Uganda - Day Two

     I have kept a journal for nearly twelve years. For as long as I can remember, I've been writing down my thoughts and feelings and questions, whether they are "I hate guys" or "I hate my sister," a pen and paper have always been the dearest friends to me. So when my mother suggested that  I buy a new journal to take to Uganda with me in the summer of 2011, I wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself.
     A friend bought a nice journal and pen and gave them to me. I tried to write every night that I was in Uganda, but exhaustion and emotion overtook me after eight days and I didn't finish the journey out completely. But tonight, I found the journal and read it for the first time since writing it. I have never revisited these places in such detail, and I want to share them with all of you.

June 18, 2011 - Uganda, Day Two

     I don't even know how to begin. We arrived in Entebbe, Uganda around 9 a.m. yesterday (Friday) morning and drove to Kampala. The drive was amazing. The #1 rule of driving in Kampala: If you have position, you have the right-of-way, meaning that if someone shoves their way in front of you, you have to let them go. It's nerve-wracking and hilarious at the same time. There are "boda-bodas" everywhere! They are motorcycles (usually taxis) that weave in and out of all the cars, with only inches of space between them. It's nuts.
     Our hotel is really nice. No a/c, but I've been entirely too exhausted to notice. I slept twelve hours last night!
     After we got in yesterday, we ate lunch at the mall. That's quite an experience! You sit down in the food court and all these waiters come out and give you menus from all the different places to eat. They compete for your business. It's so much fun! Then we bought cell phones and muck boots (all the necessities) before going out to Kimombasa (pronounced "CHI-mom-bah-sah" in Luganda).
     There we split up into teams and I went with Johnny Spicer, Shelby Guin, and our translator and minister, Vincent. Vincent is absolutely amazing, with the Ugandan people, with me, everything. He's also hilarious. So we went from family to family, telling them about Jesus. Several were saved! It was incredible.
     I met a little girl named Rachel and a 13-year-old named Tabitha, who asked me to pray that God would give her wisdom. WISDOM. She has absolutely nothing, and she asked for wisdom. Humbled to have even met her, I prayed that God would bless her as He did Solomon. I'll never forget her.
     Then we went back to the hotel, had dinner, and I CRASHED. I went to bed at 7:45 p.m. and woke up at 8:15 the next morning. Over twelve hours. I was exhausted to say the least!
     This morning we went to Sabina, a slum just across the street from our hotel. We did Manna distributions (Manna is a six-month program for some of the poorest families in these slums. During those months, they don't have to buy any food and can use their money to invest in things to better their lives. One woman invested in a wheel-barrow, and started a business by renting it out. Now she owns several and makes enough money to support her family and send her children to school. THIS is what James was talking about in 2:14-17, "¹⁴ What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds?Can such faith save them? ¹⁵ Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food.¹⁶ If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.") 
     We went into one house where a woman named Olivia lived. She has three kids and is married. With the money she saves by not buying food, she sends her brother to school (inevitably changing his life). In Sabina, their homes are completely flooded when it rains because they live downhill. It's poured twice since we've been here. It's devastating to see, but Olivia has solid faith in God and I was very humbled by it. Her baby has an ear infection and is coughing a lot, but thankfully she has medicine for him. 
     After visiting a few more families, we went back to the vans to find a swarm (or a MOB) of kids. Older children would walk up and just hand a baby to me. I have tons of pictures. One little girl stayed with me for at least an hour. Her name is Sophia and she was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Her teeth were perfect and her laugh was infectious. She liked to repeat everything I said :) 
     After that, we ate lunch at the mall again and then split up half-and-half to go to house churches. Adam and I had the opportunity to give our testimonies and we all sang "Amazing Grace." Then Taylor, Tucker, Adam, and I went with Vincent to do a children's church. I told the story of David and Goliath, Tucker told about Daniel in the lions' den, and Adam told about Noah and also about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. And we sang SO MUCH! They were sweet. I met a 12-year-old girl named Narosa, who spoke English very well because she can afford to go to school. She told Taylor and I that we are both "very beautiful." She was beautiful, and so sweet for interpreting what some of the kids were saying to me. 
     When we were starting to leave, we bought jewelry from a lady at the church service. After I paid, I said, "Webale," which is "thank you" in Luganda. She took my hand and said, "You're very welcome. My name is Rachel, what's yours?" After I told her mine was the same, she laughed and hugged me so tightly that I almost lost my balance and fell on top of her! Such joy. She was such a sweet lady.
     I got to talk to my parents tonight. I'm drained and thankful. Thank you, Jesus.
-Rachel

The blessings and lessons I experienced that day are flooding back to me again.

Light and Dark.

“The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going.”

-Jesus

I’m a new college student. I’m at a time in my life when my future is so unclear, I can’t even tell you what I’m doing tomorrow. I feel like a blind man in a crowded place, where everyone seems to know where they’re headed, and I can’t even see the direction I’m facing. My only peace comes straight from the mouth of Jesus.

When Jesus said this to a crowd of Greeks in John 12:35, He was telling them of His coming death, and why He was sent in the first place. In verse 46, He says, “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” His explanation is simple. HE is light. If we walk with Him, there’s no way we can be in darkness.

My favorite part about all of this is how it relates to Psalm 139. In verses 11 and 12, David says, “If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.” David wrote the Psalms long before Jesus walked the earth, and he already understood. God is light (therefore, Jesus is light), and wherever He is (everywhere), there IS light. With God, darkness does not exist.

I’m human. I can’t see the future. But, I’m not walking in the dark; I know where I’m going.. because Light is leading me!

-Rachel

Beauty.

One of the most valuable lessons taught to me as a Christian was in my American Literature class a few weeks ago. I have thought of it daily since.

"Find beauty in everyone.

You don't destroy things you think are beautiful."

That is all.

Listening and Doing.

I always say that I'm a "word person." I enjoy having a large vocabulary. Communication runs the world, so speaking eloquently and correctly is important to me.

Having good grammar is not the most important thing, however, although I've always been an obnoxious Nazi about it. Words themselves are the most important. How often the Bible says, "Take my words to heart" and "lay hold of my words with all your heart," isn't something I've noticed before... But it says it over and over again.

When I pray to God, I want Him to listen, to absorb my words and not forget them. IT's so important to me. How much more important is it that I listen to His words? He says it over and over. "Rachel, I'm telling you something. SHUT UP, listen, and then do what I say."

God gave us His words to show us how to live... Righteously, according to Jesus' example. Everything we need to know to live "right" is written in a book that has been around for thousands of years. The times were incredibly different, but the words are so relevant to the "now..." yet still, I'm struggling to remember what this book says?

I can carry on a conversation in movie quotes. How much scripture do I have memorized? I can

sing hundreds of songs by memory, learn a new one after hearing it twice... But I couldn't even manage to memorize Hebrews 4:12 this week for my Bible study? (Ironically, Hebrews 4:12 is about the importance of the Word of God).

I don't want to even touch the subject of my "worship." Worship is my favorite time of any church service I go to, but it's just lip-service. Where's my worship during my every day routine? Certainly not coming out of my mouth. My mouth is too full of complaints about the weather, or the "ugly look" that girl just gave me. Surely those words aren't worship. The heart behind them is not concerned with God at all.

Words are the most powerful thing we have control over. Our words can hurt and mend. God's words can save. Listening to them is LIFE. That's promised over and over.

Proverbs 4:4, 13, 20-24 -> "Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go, guard it well, for it is your life. Pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man's whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips."

James 1:18-27 -> "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror, and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-- he will be blessed in what he does. If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

If you read this, whisper a prayer for me, that I can apply His Word to my life. I'll do the same for you.

Much love,

Rach

"Here I Am."

The bush was on fire. The bush was still intact. The bush didn't burn up. Yet, the flames rose from it.

"Moses! Moses!"

"Here I am."

Standing in the presence of God, Moses took of his shoes. This was holy ground.

As I stood barefoot in the grass on campus, one of many students worshipping an unfailing Father, I was reminded of this story. The presence of God was so heavy around us. I was overwhelmed by the fact that if we could feel Him in that small section of the ATU campus, He could be felt on the entire campus. No doubt, all of campus could hear the shouts of "Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, our God reigns!" Over, and over, and over again.

The story of Moses before the burning bush makes me question: When did we become so comfortable in the presence of God that we forgot to be reverent? Yes, God is our friend. Yes, God is our Father. Yes, God wants us to feel comfortable speaking with Him... But He's still God. "Who among the gods is like You, O Lord? Who is like You-- majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders?" (Exodus 15:11). He's incomparable, unmatched, holy, and to be revered. Just because He's our friend doesn't mean He's our equal.

No, I don't think we always have to take our shoes off to worship. I don't think we have to pray, "O Thy Thine Doest what Thou Dost." But I do think God expects (and demands) our very best. I do think He expects to be respected and revered. I know that He is God, not our "bestie for the restie" (although He is, but you know what I mean). He deserves our very best, not our mediocre-"I don't like this song, but I'll worship anyway"-kind of worship. He deserves our ALL, no matter what we're feeling, no matter the circumstance... No matter. He expects the attitude, "Here I am," and He expects us to strip off whatever separates us from His holy ground- and His holiness in general. Whether that's our shoes, our relationships, our attitudes... Take it off. Leave it behind. Strip down out of reverence for His holiness and majesty, and say, "Here I am."

I went on a date today...

...with myself.

It was the best thing I could have done for myself, and right now, for my relationship with God. It opened my eyes to the fact that before I had Him, I had nothing. Especially, I had no confidence.

I used to make up facts about myself in order to impress boys (this was in 9th grade, not yesterday, mind you). I was strong-willed, and that came off as self-assuredness, but I wasn't confident. If I didn't have a boy to text 24/7, I had nothing. My value came from their attention, and it lasted as long as their short attention span. Before Jesus, I was worthless.

Today was good for my relationship with Him because it was a reminder that although right now I'm single, and even though I have no one to take me out on dates, I have a King who loves me and loves to dote upon me. No, I'll never be one of those "Jesus is my boyfriend" girls, because I understand that His love for me is so much bigger than that, and it's a Fatherly love. But He does care about my emotions and my desires, and today He knew I needed to be loved on.

I took myself on date and I walked with a Royal confidence (I actually had that thought when I walked through the mall to Candy Craze-- I noticed that my head was held erect and I might have even been "strutting" a little.. hehe). God showed me that my value comes from being His daughter, not from some pimple-y, hormonal, and lusty boy's attention. He thinks I'm the bee's knees, y'all. How could I not be confident in that? :) And He knows my wants! He made me a girl, He knows what I like, and today He loved on me. He created my femininity, and now He's taught me to embrace it. (I'm rambling now, but I'm going to keep going for a sec). It's OKAY for me to want a guy to lead me spiritually (that's how it should be), and it's OKAY for me to not settle for anything less. It's OKAY for me to have specifications about my relationships. I don't have to explain that to anyone. I'm a girl (woman, whatever) and I get to consult with my Dad about my relationships, and adjust them accordingly, no questions asked. Because I'm His, I hold myself to a higher standard, and I refuse to settle for anything less than what He'd deem acceptable.

That went off topic, but it happens... I'm a girl, after all, and I stinkin' LOVE it.

"God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering. You are captivating." Stasi Eldredge, "Captivating"

Girls, go do something girly... by yourself. Paint your nails, put on some mascara, and/or watch a chick-flick. Love yourself, let God love you, and then worry about those boys.

Wisdom Like Solomon... and Tabitha.

It feels like a lifetime ago that I walked the "streets" of the slums of Kampala, Uganda.
But the truth is, I've only been home two weeks.

The most frustrating thing about trying to blog about everything I experienced there is that my words aren't sufficient. My pictures aren't sufficient. Nothing that I could try to relate to whoever reads this will be sufficient. Only being there, holding babies, holding hands, loving on people, getting filthy, tromping through mud, swatting mosquitos, wiping sweat, wiping tears, embracing differences, noticing similarities, reading scripture, praying for new believers, talking to unbelievers, smelling body odors, seeing desperation, touching lives and letting yours be touched as well- only those things would sufficiently explain everything that's on my heart.

I think the only way I can adequately express the lessons I learned while in Uganda would be to blog one story, or maybe one day, at a time. So naturally, I'll start with day one.

There is nothing like knowing you're in exactly the right place at exactly God's time. I knew it from the moment I stepped onto the runway in Entebbe. After we ate lunch, we went on our first "mission." I was told about Kimombasa long before the trip began, and I was so happy that we were going to work in that slum. It's name has come to mean "The place of the sex workers." Victims of sex trafficking and prostitution stole my heart a long time ago, so I was excited to get to work in Kimombasa. Those people need Jesus in a very desperate and urgent way.

That first day, we met some ladies who were already believers. We talked with them awhile, and I got to know a 13-year-old girl named Tabitha. After talking with her, I asked if there was anything I could pray with her about. Her response? "Please pray that God would bless me with wisdom. I would like to have wisdom." Wisdom!? I was sitting there, looking around at the SHACK that she lived in, and at her shoeless, dirty feet, at all the holes in her clothes, and she was looking at me, asking that I pray she would have wisdom. It seemed to me that any 13-year-old girl who had nothing and only wanted wisdom-- probably already had some.

Of course, my immediate thought when she asked that was of Solomon. He asked for wisdom when God said, "Ask for whatever you want me to give you," (1 Kings 3:5, 2 Chronicles 1:7). "The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this," (1 Kings 3:10). God said, "Since this is your hearts desire and you have not asked for wealth, riches or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge, wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, and riches and honor," (2 Chronicles 1:11-12).

And so I prayed. For both of us. That God would bless her as He did King Solomon and that I could grow my faith to the size of Tabitha's. I doubt that girl knows how much she impacted me. No shoes, and she wanted wisdom. God bless her. This is me holding a little one who shares my name, and Tabitha is in the orange skirt. Partner with me in prayer for these two! Thank you so much!

Many, many more stories to come.

Rachel

Heaviness.

I'm drowning. 4 weeks of high school left. 8 weeks of left until Uganda. Time is drowning me. I'm enjoying all the little things, really I am.. but high school is just NOT important to me anymore! There are so many more important things. And being with the Ugandan people is one of them. The closer the trip gets, the more I know it's God's will that I go, and the more these people steal my heart... People that I haven't even met yet.

Godly Woman, Shmodly Shwoman.

(Disclaimer: The following post may come across negative in the beginning, but it's only because I'm not that great at getting my thoughts out through words. Stick with me 'til the end, and you'll understand where my heart is, even if the delivery is rough.)

Every Christ-following girl I know wants to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Including me. I've noticed something about these girls, though (I'm still including myself). Usually in their pursuit to be "The Proverbs 31 Woman," girls lose the reason for the pursuit... which is, of course, to be a Woman of God. The focus usually switches somewhere between, oh I'd say, verses 10 and 11. "Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies...... oh look, this is the part about a HUSBAND! So all Godly women have husbands? I WANT TO BE A GODLY WOMAN!!!!! Her husband has full confidence in her! And lacks nothing of value?!? I want to be HER!" See what I mean? The focus switches from being a godly woman for the sake of being God-like, to being a godly woman for the sake of attracting a godly man. There's a serious issue with this. The suffix -ly means "in this way" or describes a manner of BEING. So being a godLY woman would mean BEING like God. Understand what I mean? It isn't a ploy to win over a man. Being godly is the first step to being a Woman of God, which isn't a "title" to be taken lightly. I think most women of God would probably never consider themselves that... (I feel like I'm rambling.. This is the poorest writing I've done in a while). I think there are two points to Proverbs 31 (neither of which are finding a husband).

1. Being Christ-like. It's a full time job, ladies. Break verses 10-31 up into pieces (I'll paraphrase). First, this woman is rare. True Christ-like women are not just everywhere, because the job entails much. Her husband trusts her completely. She brings him goodness, no harm or hurt, ALL the days of her life. She is eager to work(!!!!). She brings the food in for the family. She wakes up early *while it is still dark* and provides for her family, and for others. She doesn't throw her money around- before she buys a field to grow food on, she thinks about it, considers it and examines it, making sure it is a wise investment. She works vigorously, and she is fit for her work. She knows that she's making a living, but doesn't stop because she's making a profit, she continues on through the night, working hard all the time. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy ('nough said). Through all the seasons, she knows her family is provided for, even in the harsh snows. She keeps the beds warm with blankets, she is clothed appropriately and elegantly. She doesn't make her husband look bad, she doesn't embarrass him, and he is still respected among the people of their community. She makes a living to provide for her family. She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come (she isn't stressed out, she knows she can make it through whatever comes her way). She speaks with wisdom, and every time she opens her mouth, she has something of value to say. She is never idle, and she can manage her household with ease. Her children love her and call her blessed, and her husband knows that she is the best of the best and he praises her. She knows that beauty doesn't last forever, but she fears the Lord. She is honored for the work she does. Pretty big load on one woman, don't you think? That's what she's RARE. You have to work to be her!


2. To pass on the godliness. Most girls only pay attention to verses 10-31, but one of the main points of the scripture is in verse 1. Lemuel's mother taught him about godly women. She told him everything in verses 10-31. The godly woman teaches her children how to be godly, and what to look for in mate (the best leading is done by example).

The fact is, a girl pretending to be a godly woman may attract a boy pretending to be a godly man, but two halves don't make a whole. Two wholes make a whole. That's right, 1+1=1.

A real godLY (don't forget the definition for the suffix -ly: describes a manner of BEING, "in this way") woman is a woman striving to be like Christ, striving to be WHOLE in HIM. "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him to find her."

Ladies: Proverbs 31 is not a guide for "How to Get a Godly Date." It's an example of how to please your Maker, the Lover of your soul, the One who so intricately designed you, and knows the innermost parts of your heart better than your "soul-mate" ever will. Please, don't demean the chapter by using it to get a guy. It's about so much more than that.

Men: Make sure your gal isn't trying to fool ya.

And please, stop throwing around the terms Man of God and Woman of God so loosely.

"The Most Vital Thing in Life"

When you feel like saying something
That you know you will regret,
Or keenly feel an insult
Not quite easy to forget,
That's the time to curb resentment
And maintain a mental peace,
For when your mind is tranquil
All your ill-thoughts simply cease.

It is easy to be angry
When defrauded or defied,
To be peeved and disappointed
If your wishes are denied;
But to win a worthwhile battle
Over selfishness and spite,
You must learn to keep strict silence
Though you know you're in the right.

So keep your mental balance
When confronted by a foe,
Be it enemy in ambush
Or some danger that you know.
If you are poised and tranquil
When all around is strife,
Be assured that you have mastered
The most vital thing in life.

-Grenville Kleiser

This poem is extremely significant to me right now. Without filling you all in on the gibberish that's made up my life the past few weeks, I'll let you know simply that I've seen better days.

I was put to the test Sunday night. I had a choice to make:
Let the actions of others define me,
or let my reactions to others define me.

Fun fact: I'm emotional (woooo, big shocker there! An emotional 18 year old girl? That doesn't exist!) But the difference between me and others: I don't get my feelings hurt. Ever.
I cry because I'm sentimental. Put me in a room with my friends, laughing and having a good time- I'll randomly start crying because "I'm living the 'good old days' that I'll look back on when I'm older!" Yes, I'm THAT girl.. That ruins all the fun by saying "This is our last first.... everything."
But I NEVER ever ever ever ever ever (should I continue?) ever ever ever get my feelings hurt.
I don't cry because some chick tells me that she doesn't like me.

But I was tested Sunday night. A girl decided to say some extremely hateful things, and I was HURT. Severely. And I cried for two hours.

Da da da dahhhh!! Mommy came in to save the day. And she gave me some tough lovin'.
"Rachel, you're wasting too much energy and time on someone's words that don't matter. I know it hurts, but why let someone like that steal a second more of your life? Life is 10% what's done to you, 90% how you react."

Boom. Momma knows best.

I sucked it up. Stopped crying... and opened my Bible-
Ironically (not ironically, Jesus did it on purpose) to James,
a well worn chapter in my Bible.
I'm going to type this in letter format, because well, that's what it is.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently in the the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-- he will be blessed in what he does. If anyone considers himself religions and yet does not keep a TIGHT REIN on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

James 1:19-27

Quick to listen- If I really took the time to listen to what this girl was saying to me, and not just hear and immediately put up my best defense, I would have known that it really does matter that my life backs up my words. That I don't just talk about God and how much I love Him and want to do my best at following Him-- That I actually live it. If she wants to tell me that I'm "not as holy" as I think I am, then maybe others like her think the same thing... That I'm just putting up a front. Does that incinuate that my life isn't backing up my words? That put a check in my spirit. She may not have said that in the right way, and she may have no spiritual grounds to tell me anything about my walk with God, but if she thought it, the thought came from somewhere.. or maybe, Someone.

Slow to speak- Luckily, I actually lived this one Sunday night. My mouth is my biggest problem. I'm pretty good at popping off with snide remarks, or should I say, I'm pretty BAD about it. It's my toughest fight. But when I was reading everything this girl was saying to me, I felt no need to say anything back. If I can do that every time, I will have mastered "The Most Vital Thing in Life."

Slow to become angry- Nope, didn't live this one out. I. Was. Pissed. I was mad at her, mad at myself, mad at the people she mentioned, mad at my dead friend she mentioned- I was MAD. And for what reason? Sure, I can see why I would have been mad at her and myself, but the others? Random. Made no sense. Check in my spirit? Check. Slow down that anger, girl. It will eat you alive (reference to "The Poison Tree" by William Blake).

Tight rein- James chapter 3. Enough said.

Widows and orphans- Just a little reminder of what my goal is this summer. And that these people and their hateful words don't matter, unlessssss they're right! And in some cases, this girl was.. but in most, she wasn't. What matters is that I refrain from all wordly stains, and keep my focus on reaching out the loveless in their plight. Uganda in June with Jesus. :)

I'm fighting for myself, and learning more from Him everyday. I can feel Him molding and shaping me into just exactly what I'm supposed to be. I'll never be perfect, and I'll never be good, but as long as I realize that the "only good thing about me is Jesus," I'll be perfectly fine. I'm only here because "Grace mixed with love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus." 1 Timothy 1:14.

Gracefully,
Rachy

Love Letter to Yahweh

I've recently been having some healthy, way-too-honest "come to Jesus" talks with a blessing-of-a-friend. Tonight's inspired me to write a "Love Letter" to my Jesus. I'm so overwhelmed by the beauty of my King that my heart is fluttering, like I literally have butterflies.

I can write good essays for school.

I can write well when it comes to informative things.

But when it comes to putting my feelings on paper, trying to use words to express the explosion of emotions inside me, I'm awful. So bear with me- this isn't for you anyway! haha.. It's for my Jesus.

"Love Letter to Yahweh"

Sovereign. Beautiful. Glorious.

They don't even touch You, my King.

Nothing my small, human mind can think up

will ever be worthy of describing even the

GROUND You walk on.

You are so high above me, God.

You're MATCHLESS. Almighty. Unchanging.

It is my honor to be a creature that

You choose to dote upon.

Your love overwhelms me.

Consumes me.

Defines me.

Take me in Your arms, the same arms that

hold the entire universe, shower me with the love

that only my Abba Father can give.

Sovereign Lord, all the love, praise, and worship

I can give will never be worthy of You, nor will they

match what You gave me by breathing Your life into me,

and mercifully saving me... forgetting all of my

ugliness and filth.

But I will spend my eternity trying to thank You for simply being

"I AM."

I love You, Yahweh.

the beauty of love as it's made to be.

Tonight I watched "Pride & Prejudice" for the 3487120938th time.
I watched with new eyes, though.
I'm really not sure what made me look at it differently, but I'm glad I did.

We live in a time of easy accessibility. Everything is one text, call, tag, push-of-a-button away.
I used to think of this as a blessing- and in a way, it is. But in others..
It's a curse. Really.

In the movie, Darcy falls in love with Elizabeth almost immediately after meeting her.
(Of course, his pride gets in the way, as does hers, but that is beside the fact)
He only gets to speak to her whenever he happens to run into her.

There is no calling her, only calling on her.
There is no texting her, only writing a letter to her.
There is no FACEBOOKING her.
What he sees, hears, and feels when he encounters her is all he gets,
and of course, his thoughts afterward.

And that's the magic- his thoughts.
After he sees her, she's all he thinks about.
He gets to analyze everything about her that he loves and enjoys.
He doesn't have to creep her every move and conversation on some
idiotic social network. He has to trust her.

He falls in love with the intelligent, real, yet mysterious woman that she is.
He doesn't have to see the fake air she puts on for her 1500 Facebook friends.
He doesn't get the opportunity to just shoot her a text to "chill" later.
He dotes upon her, does things right.. Talks to her father, asks for permission.

He treats her like a LADY. He respects her.
He would never make her feel like "one of the guys."
He goes to all ends of the earth to save her family,
right all wrongs, show her with his actions that he loves her.

His language isn't flimsy; he thinks before he speaks.
He is brutally honest with her; "I'm betwitched, body, mind, and soul."

I wish I lived in the time of Jane Austen.
No cell phones, no internet.
Just people. And REAL love.

I believe that this love still exists. It's harder to find-
you have to dig through all the shallowness and flimsy chit chat.
But it's real, and it's out there. And no, this isn't me being a hopeless romantic.
It's real.
It's the kind of love that God intended.

Ladies- set some standards. Don't ever give on them. Remember that men are human, and make your standards reasonable, but keep them high. Men should have to work for your affection; show you they truly care. They should pick you up, open the door for you, pull out your chair, walk you to the door (not just wait until your in to drive off), talk to your mother, ASK PERMISSION from your father. They should take you to a real restaurant (that serves some type of bread before the meal), and pay. They should never, everrr, take you to their house on a first date. This sends one type of message, and it isn't the right one.

Guys- Do all of the above, and mean it. Don't just do it until you "know" (or think you know) you've got her.. Keep it up. She'll love you forever, and she'll return the favors. You guys need to set your standards higher too! Don't accept trashy women. And yes, I said trashy- side note to the girls, if you dress slutty, you're just giving the guy the go-ahead to do with you as he pleases, and that is not okay.. it's especially not okay if you get upset about it. If it's not for sale, don't advertise it. Be Godly women, appropriately dressed. Don't invite that boy's hands, eyes, and mind into places they shouldn't be.- Boys, be Men of God. Don't use vulgar language around women, don't do disgusting things in front of them (for example, FARTING- not even around your "best girl friends." Absolutely NOT acceptable). Be respectable and respectful. You're setting the example here. You're the leader, so lead in the right direction!

I feel like I'm preaching. Must just be something I'm passionate about lately.
I'm a single girl, and after my last relationship, I promised my friends that I would
never again lower my standards. I refuse to accept anything than what I deserve,
and I refuse to BE anything less than what a respectable young man of God deserves and desires.

my future spouse's future spouse.

To my future spouse: I pray you're all that God intends for you to be.

I used to be obsessed with (and still sort of am, hehe) www.tomyfuturespouse.com.
I seriously would read all of that day's posts before I would go to sleep at night.
I'm a romantic, okay? All girls are! It's our nature.

On September 29, I went to my youth service.. They talked about future spouses.
They gave us a blank piece of stationary, with the header,
"To my future spouse,"

My first thought was, "I cannot wait to fill this up."
I was so eager to write down everything that I hoped and prayed my husband would be.
Here I am, three months later.. and that stationary is still blank.

Because the more I got to thinking about it, the less I felt like I could write.
Sure, I have standards that I want my husband to meet, but wait a second..
what about me?

I spend so much time thinking about my future husband.
I think about how he will be the spiritual leader in our household,
how he will raise our children up in the way they should go.

I pray that he will be pure until our wedding night,
a snow-white lover,
saving love as it is meant to be- just for me :)

But as I was praying for him, I got to one specific point:
I prayed that wherever he is, he's out there praying for me too.
And that's when it hit me;

WHAT ABOUT ME?

My standards are high... for my husband.
My standards for myself should be even higher.

I want the type of man who wants THIS type of woman:

A snow-white bride, pure of every kind of love.
A Proverbs 31 woman.
A strong mother, helping our kids find their own relationship with our Creator.
A soft-spoken, out-spoken woman (and no, that isn't an oxymoron; it's possible!)
A kind, generous, loving, humanistic woman.
A comforter.
A soother, a listener.
A woman so completely lost in the Maker that there is no way her husband would make or break her-- Independently dependent on Jesus :)

These are the standards I want MY man to have for HIS woman!
I should be praying for myself, that I am everything on the above list, and more.
What I have to remember is that, as much as God wants me to have a pure soulmate,
He wants my soulmate to have a pure wife as well.
God loves my future spouse MORE THAN I EVER WILL.
He wants the very best for him! God doesn't want him to settle for anything less
than a Proverbs 31 woman.

Can I meet those standards?
It's about time I stop praying so much for that future spouse of mine,
and start praying for my future spouse's future spouse!

In pure and spotless love,
Rachel.

tis the season.

alone in this winter, clarity clouds my mind.
-mumford and sons.

everything in my life right now has to do with seasons. it recently just started really feeling like winter, and while its 20 degrees outside here, my mom is in cancun in the sun.

I cant help but notice the differences in our morale.

tiiiiiiiiime. seasons. growth. decay. cycles.

everything in life is a part of cycles. all these cycles (sleep cycles, bodily functions, work schedules, school days, etc) they all make up the huge cycle of life ("the circle of liiiife!" sorry, had to do it). its almost like I feel stuck in this always spinning world. jeeze, can't a girl get a break? time needs to go on vacation.

seasons. I'm in the senior year season of my life, by far the scariest yet (except for age 15, but I only thought my world was coming to an end... dramatic year). I just wish I could slow down, breathe, have time to take it all in. but time won't stop for me. time is rude. I wish I could throw myself on the floor, kicking and screaming, and absolutely refuse to keep up with the changing seasons, but obviously, that would be irrational.

tonight I opened my prayer/study journal and saw where I had written ecclesiastes 3 down to study later. I opened it up and was immediately reminded of what my mom has told me my whole life.

"there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."
this whole chapter is blowing my mind. God has it all planned out- why am I so stressed? there's a time for everything, and right now, its time for me to finish this high school chapter of my life. I'm growing up and in to bigger and better things!

favorite: "He has made everything beautiful in its time. he has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

I'm blessed to be His child, his princess daughter. He has His eye on me! through all my seasons, He is holding my hand.

Psalm 31:14-16 "But I trust in You, oh Lord; I say, "You are my God." MY TIMES ARE IN YOUR HANDS. Let your face shine on your servant, save me in your unfailing love."

<3 Jesus loves me, this I know! For the Bible tells me so. little ones to Him belong; they are weak, but He is strong.

"Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect."
-Google definitions.
Friends are hard to come by. In high school, if you glance around you, you'll see an overabundance of them. But if you look harder, are they really your friends? For 13 years of our lives, we are shoved into a giant box with hundreds of other kids our age. We are forced to spend 7 hours with them. FORCED. It is a law that we spend time with these people. When you're around the same people more than 1,390 hours a year, you're bound to form relationships with them.

For the first 18 years of our lives, we have a very limited choice of friends. You're given a random sample of people, and you choose those who best suit you.

6,000,000+ people in the world, and I have to choose a handful from a supply of 1200, in Fort Smith, Arkansas.

It doesn't seem fair, does it?

As the first semester of my senior year comes to a close, I'm forced to look around me. I take in everything; the "movie" atmosphere of my high school, the sophomores who are just excited to be looked at by a senior, the stagnation of the juniors who are experiencing "middle-class syndrome", not unlike middle-child syndrome... I take it all in. They will all feel like I do in 1 or 2 years.

Will they feel resentment at being forced to share 1390 hours of their lives with people they didn't choose? Am I alone in this?

In college, the supply is a lot bigger. The variation of people is greater.
The chance for longer-lasting relationships is greater.
The chance of being hurt is greater.
But the chance for choice is 100%.

Is that all I'm looking for? Is that the emptiness I'm feeling in my last year as a child?
Choice?

I don't know. (I don't know partly because I can't hardly think right now- studying for finals.)